5 Months

Dear Gabby

Its 5 months today since you became an Angel.  In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago, but one that I remember as though it was yesterday. 

I remember the moment when we found out, I remember that feeling of being stabbed in the heart when I had to tell your dad and your sister. I remember holding you and I remember saying goodbye.

It has been quite a journey since then, althoug it still feels so incomplete.  There is so much more that needs to be experienced.  There are days where I feel so lost and so much pain and I wonder how people make it through these horrible situations. 

It seems so sad that after thousands of years on this earth, we still have to suffer like we do.  Mothers still lose babies, children still lose parents.  There is pointless death and hurt and pain around us all the time.  People are angry and hurt and life just seems to be one endless struggle to survive.

At some stage I believed that things happen for  reason and I really believed that somehow the pain that we had gone through would reveal some life lesson or that somehow all of this would make sense in the bigger picture.  Perhaps after this whole experience, I would finally be more connected to spirit and that ultimately this would have taught me compassion and love.

Today as I sit here, I feel very confused.  It is 5 months later and it feels as through things are the same.  No amazing thing happened, no spiritual awakening.  Life went on, the pain remains and emptiness ensues.

I still miss you everyday my Angel girl, right now I have lost my faith and I am really hurting, but my love for you will always remain strong!

I am sorry that I do not have words of inspiration today!  This is just how I feel.

Today I am sad
Today i am angry
I am lost and destroyed

Today this world is cruel
Today I see pain and suffering
I am irritable and frustrated

I am tired of the darkness
I am tired of the pain

I want to feel love
I want to feel joy

Tomorrow starts again
Let the sun shine!

Love you Forever

Mom

Still Seeking

Dear Gabby

We are still having our ups and downs, our ebbs and flows.  I guess like anything else in life, even in nature.  Everything has a pattern or a flow, a high tide and a low tide.  Some things last longer than others.

I am still still feeling a bit lost, like I really dont know what direction I am going in right now.  Life seems to be just a bunch of chaos at the moment.  I started a new job, which is really exciting but at the same time it is really daunting becuase I am really out of my comfort zone and I feel exposed, naked.  After my first week I was thinking that I made a big mistake and that I wasnt ready for all the stress of a new job.  Once I calmed down, I realise that I definelty couldnt have stayed where I was - it was eating my soul, one day at a time and actually my new job is quite exciting. 

I still miss you terribly everyday, we all do.  I know you are around us all the time, but I think the reality sometimes just gets the better of me and I feel really sad. On Friday night when your aunty came over with her kids it was really nice to spend time with them.  When they left I was carrying your cousin to the car and he was sleeping, I felt a wave of sadnes come over me - this could have been you I was carrying.

It is still hard to see other woman who are pregnant and parents with young children.  They seem to be everywhere I look.  They remind me of our loss. The sad thing is that before I fell pregnant I really wasnt sure I was ready to have another baby with life being so hectic and then when we fell pregnant I thought that it was meant to be and I was starting to get really excited about having another little princess in our lives. 

I guess there are things that are beyond our understanding and although we say that it is meant to be and God works in mysterious ways - it doesnt take the pain away.  It does make it easier to deal with. 

And so as we go through the days, some days are easier than others.   So much has happned in our lives this year - it has been a very hard, tough year.  Not all bad, but there is an overall sense that it is time to move past this year.  I dont want to carry the burdens of this year into next year.

My wish right now is find some peace. Not joy or bliss or happiness, just peace.  It is time to make peace with this year and move on to next year with new hope, faith and trust that all is well - it is the only way.

Love You Forever
Mom

Just for today

Dear Gabby

I had this saved in my drafts for a while now, and it seems like today was the perfect day to read this and share this.

Sometimes the whole of life just gets too hectic too contemplate and sometimes all we need to do is to bring ourselves back to today and take it one small moment at a time.  Your dad tells me this all the time :-)

So here is something I wanted to share.

Love You Forever
Mom

 

JUST FOR TODAY

JUST FOR TODAY, I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime. 

JUST FOR TODAY, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine. 

JUST FOR TODAY, I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct and accept those I cannot. 

JUST FOR TODAY, I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer. 

JUST FOR TODAY, I will make a conscious effort to be aggreable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. 

JUST FOR TODAY, I will refrain from improving anybody but myself. 

JUST FOR TODAY, I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully - if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block. 

JUST FOR TODAY, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

Darkness

Dear Gabby

Its Tuesday!  I always seem to have a bad day on a Tuesday.  My Sister reminded me a couple of weeks ago that Tuesday was the day we lost you. So somewhere subconsciously Tuesday's are marked as tough days.  Thanks to your awesome dad for reminding me :-)

It seems to be a very strange time in the world right now, so many people I know are going through a really tough time and are experiencing real tragedy and situations that before seemed like they were distant and happened to other people, not to me and not to the people that I love and care about.

Its seems like the world is going crazy around us and it sometimes feels like its difficult to stay afloat in all this craziness.

Perhaps all this madness is happening right now to wake everyone up.  If I think about what I went personally went through and the awakening that happened to me, it makes sense.

Maybe we as human beings are starting to realise that the lives we have been living have not really been living at all and have just really been struggling to survive until we die.  I know that sounds dismal, but I think that most people live their lives like that.

Maybe the struggle and the pain forces us to look at our lives and it puts everything in perspective again. It gives us the choice to get rid of the things that don't work for us any more and it offers an opportunity to make changes in our lives.

For me personally, I realised that my lifestyle was killing me slowly but surely. I worked too long, I never appreciated my family, I never looked after my health at all and I was a ticking time bomb.  After losing you it dawned on me that my priorities in my life were all wrong and that it was time to make some changes in my life.  It has been a bit of struggle, I think as human beings we dont like change and it has taken some time to make real changes, but I have been doing it little by little everyday and I am really proud of what I have achieved so far.  I still have a long way to go, but I see it now as journey back to life and not a quick switch.

So perhaps pain and struggle are good, although it is not a pleasant experience and it really sucks.  Perhaps there is purpose in pain.  Perhaps the why we are looking for is not the why we should be looking for.  I know I may never have the answer for why this happened to me from a physical perspective and the doctors I have spoken to and the stories that I have read has said that these things just happen and there is no explanation   However I am the kind of person that likes to take a bad situation and find the good, because there is always good in everything, whether we see it or not, it is there.

So for me the good is that I have awakened from my slumber and I have a new perspective on life.  Its not always plain sailing, but little by little and day by day things are starting to flow easier.  Things are starting to get better and I am starting to feel like a new person.

Thank-you my little angel for all the messages that you are sending me everyday.  I see them and I just wanted to say thank-you!  They give me hope and they remind me to keep on this path and not let myself slip back into the darkness.

Love you Forever
Mom

Sharing

Dear Gabby

I was reading through some of my old blogs and came accross this post, I wanted to share it here because it seems so wise and so true.  Its a bit of a long read, but it is really worth it.

It made me think about how much I have changed in the last couple of months and how much more these words mean now.

Love you Forever
Mom

I've Learned...
From Andy Rooney

This was written by Andy Rooney a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy........

I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....
That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned...
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned....
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned....
That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned....
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned....
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned....
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned....
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned....
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned....
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Busyness

Dear Gabby

I have really missed writing to you in the past couple of weeks.  Life is just so crazy busy recently.

It seems as if life is really moving at such a rapid pace, so many changes are happening right now.  Its almost as if someone has stepped on the accelerator.

I am starting a new job next month, I am so looking forward to a change of pace and a completely new challenge.  I am a little nervous because its completely out of my comfort zone but it feels right.  Actually everything is starting to feel right, its quite an unusual feeling.

I have started meditating every morning for the past few weeks and I have actually stuck to it, something I have really struggled with for a long time.  I have started to learn to prioritise at work more and not take on things that I am not responsible for and I have been leaving at a normal time everyday/

We have been taking family walks at least 3 or 4 times a week after work, which has really been a great time to get some fresh air and some bonding time.

I have even stopped smoking now - 3 whole days, something I previously thought was impossible.

I feel like life is flowing in the right direction and if I just go with the flow things will happen.

I know that all this is happening right now thanks to a special little angel in heaven who is taking such good care of all of us.  So thank you my angel, thank-you for surrounding us with your love every single day.

I still get sad when I see a pregnant mom and I still get sad when I see a newborn baby, its still tough to think of what could have been.  I Still get sad when I think that right now, if things were different I would have been 30 weeks pregnant and we would have been getting ready to welcome you into this world.

But I am starting to accept what is.  I am starting to accept that you were not meant to be in this world and that perhaps you were created out of love between your dad and I to be our guardian angel and to help us from heaven.

I am so grateful that you are with us everyday and I am so grateful that everyday I can go on with my life with faith and trust that we are safe and we are loved.

Thank-you!

Love you Forever

Mom

Making Space

Dear Gabby

I haven't written in a while, not because I havent been thinking about you but because I have been in a space of nowhere.  I have been trying to figure out where exactly I am in relation to everything that has happened. 

LIfe is strange.  We go through some really tough things and somehow we continue to live our lives, mainly because we have to and because we have so many people who need us and depend us.  Probably not a bad thing because I think that when grief takes hold of us, we could easily slip into a black abyss and never come out of it.

When the pain takes over, its almost as if you cant really get up in the morning, everyday tasks seemed pointless and painful.  Even a simple task like brushing your teeth, getting ready for work, putting on clothes seem really tough.  If I didnt have my beautiful amazing daughter, my awesome husband and my incredible family and friends, I dont think I could have gotten out of bed during those first few weeks and I certainly dont think I would have made it back to work.

Life forces us to keep taking the next step and time ticks on and on and on and the first week goes by and then eventually the first month.  Wow, a whole month!

I wrote before about the emptiness that I felt and the nothingness and it is starting to make sense to me now.  I need to feel the emptiness and the nothingness because its making space for something new.

You see I knew that even before I lost you that I was not really living my life to the fullest and although I had a pretty amazing life, I wasnt really living it and I wasnt really seeing all the beauty and love in my life.

I made a promise to myself that I would start living my life and I would start to see all the beauty that surrounds me. 

I figure that the nothingness and emptiness is just me starting to make space for new energy in my life.  One of love and peace and faith.  Its amazing that I am already starting to feel this new energy and slowly but surely, one small step at a time things are changing and I am starting to feel lighter and I am starting to feel more at peace. 

Yesterday was a good day, for the first time in a very long time I felt real joy and peace. I havent felt like that years.

So my little angel, if your purpose was to awaken me to my life - then I have to thank you from the deepest part of my heart.  If your purpose was to make me see the beauty again, then you have done that and more.

Thank-you for touching my life and making me see the love again.

Love you Forever

Mom