Making Space

Dear Gabby

I haven't written in a while, not because I havent been thinking about you but because I have been in a space of nowhere.  I have been trying to figure out where exactly I am in relation to everything that has happened. 

LIfe is strange.  We go through some really tough things and somehow we continue to live our lives, mainly because we have to and because we have so many people who need us and depend us.  Probably not a bad thing because I think that when grief takes hold of us, we could easily slip into a black abyss and never come out of it.

When the pain takes over, its almost as if you cant really get up in the morning, everyday tasks seemed pointless and painful.  Even a simple task like brushing your teeth, getting ready for work, putting on clothes seem really tough.  If I didnt have my beautiful amazing daughter, my awesome husband and my incredible family and friends, I dont think I could have gotten out of bed during those first few weeks and I certainly dont think I would have made it back to work.

Life forces us to keep taking the next step and time ticks on and on and on and the first week goes by and then eventually the first month.  Wow, a whole month!

I wrote before about the emptiness that I felt and the nothingness and it is starting to make sense to me now.  I need to feel the emptiness and the nothingness because its making space for something new.

You see I knew that even before I lost you that I was not really living my life to the fullest and although I had a pretty amazing life, I wasnt really living it and I wasnt really seeing all the beauty and love in my life.

I made a promise to myself that I would start living my life and I would start to see all the beauty that surrounds me. 

I figure that the nothingness and emptiness is just me starting to make space for new energy in my life.  One of love and peace and faith.  Its amazing that I am already starting to feel this new energy and slowly but surely, one small step at a time things are changing and I am starting to feel lighter and I am starting to feel more at peace. 

Yesterday was a good day, for the first time in a very long time I felt real joy and peace. I havent felt like that years.

So my little angel, if your purpose was to awaken me to my life - then I have to thank you from the deepest part of my heart.  If your purpose was to make me see the beauty again, then you have done that and more.

Thank-you for touching my life and making me see the love again.

Love you Forever

Mom