Dear Gabby
So I went back to work on Monday. I was a little anxious about it as my emotions still seemed so raw and to be honest I was a little scared that I wouldn't cope with the additional stress of an already stressful situation.
Well, the minute I got to work all I could feel was all these eyes on me and people surrounded me to give me their sympathetic hugs and well wishes. I was immediately overwhelmed with emotion, and the dominant thought was "I have come back too soon". I took a deep breath and centered myself, and then slowly but surely I managed to calm down and get focused on things that I needed to do at work.
The rest of the day felt pretty surreal as I started to be the observer and watch everything that was going on, it was almost as if I wasn't really there - I was disconnected from everything. I just watched.
I wasn't judging anyone at all, just watching and feeling sad. Its amazing how the tragedy and trauma in your life can change your perspective.
You see Gabby, I think we are all stuck. Stuck in our stories, stuck in a job that we have to do in order to pay the bills. We live our lives in autopilot, disconnected from what really matters. We go to work, get things done so that tomorrow we can get more to do. Some of us work hard, some of us don't - but it doesn't really matter, because we spend most of our day wishing the hours away so that we can go home and spend time with our family. But then by the time we get home, we are exhausted from the day's work and the traffic and the mundane thinking and doing. So we rush through our evening chores and make sure that the family is fed, bathed and all their things are done and then we put them to bed.
Then, we sit in front of the TV and zone out while watching mundane brain numbing programming and fool ourselves into believing that we are relaxing and unwinding, when we are really just numbing away the emptiness that we feel from an unfulfilling day. Eventually we go to bed. Each day we wish the hours away to go home, we wish the hours away till the weekend, we wish the hours away until we go on leave, until Christmas, until next year and then tomorrow we wake up and do it all over again and again and again.
I wonder how many people really go work each day and love their jobs and how many of them come home each day and feel fulfilled by what they have done that day, the people they have connected with, the great idea's they have seen come to life. I don't think many.
It is so sad and pointless.
I watched myself the past 3 days, and I realize that even with the different perspective I have gained, it is so easy to slip back into that routine. Its like a nasty habit that I cannot break. I disconnect from life and just get things done.
I wonder how it must look from where you are to see us struggling through our daily lives of emptiness and I am sure that the answers do exist if we are willing to listen.
How do I live a better life, filled with love and purpose? How do I wake up each morning with zest and passion, ready to make the day worth while? How do I walk through the day with a feeling of awe and joy and appreciate even the smallest thing?
I don't have the answers right now, but I know that it is time for change.
Love your Forever
Mom
So I went back to work on Monday. I was a little anxious about it as my emotions still seemed so raw and to be honest I was a little scared that I wouldn't cope with the additional stress of an already stressful situation.
Well, the minute I got to work all I could feel was all these eyes on me and people surrounded me to give me their sympathetic hugs and well wishes. I was immediately overwhelmed with emotion, and the dominant thought was "I have come back too soon". I took a deep breath and centered myself, and then slowly but surely I managed to calm down and get focused on things that I needed to do at work.
The rest of the day felt pretty surreal as I started to be the observer and watch everything that was going on, it was almost as if I wasn't really there - I was disconnected from everything. I just watched.
While watching, it dawned on me how pointless all of it actually is. All the hype and all the drama, all the pointless running around to get things done. The complaining about everything, the gossiping about what this one did or didn't do. The insecurity of those afraid of losing their jobs. The backstabbing and conspiring of those whose desire to succeed drives them crush anyone that stands in their way. I watched all of this going on and I felt really saddened by the whole debacle.
I wasn't judging anyone at all, just watching and feeling sad. Its amazing how the tragedy and trauma in your life can change your perspective.
You see Gabby, I think we are all stuck. Stuck in our stories, stuck in a job that we have to do in order to pay the bills. We live our lives in autopilot, disconnected from what really matters. We go to work, get things done so that tomorrow we can get more to do. Some of us work hard, some of us don't - but it doesn't really matter, because we spend most of our day wishing the hours away so that we can go home and spend time with our family. But then by the time we get home, we are exhausted from the day's work and the traffic and the mundane thinking and doing. So we rush through our evening chores and make sure that the family is fed, bathed and all their things are done and then we put them to bed.
Then, we sit in front of the TV and zone out while watching mundane brain numbing programming and fool ourselves into believing that we are relaxing and unwinding, when we are really just numbing away the emptiness that we feel from an unfulfilling day. Eventually we go to bed. Each day we wish the hours away to go home, we wish the hours away till the weekend, we wish the hours away until we go on leave, until Christmas, until next year and then tomorrow we wake up and do it all over again and again and again.
I wonder how many people really go work each day and love their jobs and how many of them come home each day and feel fulfilled by what they have done that day, the people they have connected with, the great idea's they have seen come to life. I don't think many.
It is so sad and pointless.
I watched myself the past 3 days, and I realize that even with the different perspective I have gained, it is so easy to slip back into that routine. Its like a nasty habit that I cannot break. I disconnect from life and just get things done.
I wonder how it must look from where you are to see us struggling through our daily lives of emptiness and I am sure that the answers do exist if we are willing to listen.
How do I live a better life, filled with love and purpose? How do I wake up each morning with zest and passion, ready to make the day worth while? How do I walk through the day with a feeling of awe and joy and appreciate even the smallest thing?
I don't have the answers right now, but I know that it is time for change.
Love your Forever
Mom
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