And Life goes on ...

Dear Gabby

I have been feeling pretty strange the past couple of days.  We have been really busy with things around the house and I have been completely relaxing and taking time to recover from everything.

Its been a good couple of days.  I have been feeling rather light hearted about life and we all had a few good laughs and slowly but surely my heavy heart has begun to lift.  It kind of feels strange to be happy after everything that has happened.  Although I have been trying to understand this all and have come to the conclusion, that the why really doesn't matter right now.

If I look back to 3 weeks ago, my life felt so empty.  I was struggling just to get through the day.  Life seemed like alot of hard work and although I was trying to be positive and find some kind of hope in each day.  The truth is that I was drowning.

After all that we have been through in the past few weeks, I actually feel like I have woken up.  I feel like I can look around me at my life and my family and I can really connect with everything.  Its like I have woken up to what is real and what is not.

What is real is the love I have for your dad and your big sister, actually all of our family.  What is real is waking up each morning and looking at your beautiful garden and appreciating the beauty of each and every flower, pot and stone that we created.  What is real is being able to smile and laugh together.

You see Gabby, life is about choices.  I can choose to look at life as a struggle and full of pain and anguish or I can choose to look at life as an incredible experience.  

I can wake up each morning and I can focus on all the beautiful things that life has to offer.  A kiss from my amazing husband or hug from my beautiful daughter.  I can really appreciate the birds singing in the early hours of the morning, nibbling at the berries on your tree. There are so many things to appreciate and marvel at each and every day.

I realize that I have been isolated for the past couple of weeks and that has given me a different perspective on my life.  I guess from tomorrow, when I go back to work, the major challenge is going to be to keep this outlook on life.  I need to keep on focusing on what matters and not let the little things bring me down.

I know that I cannot change what happened, I cannot understand why or how.  I can really only choose to take what I can from this situation and if I can honor my little angel in anyway, it would be to live a better life.  

To love more, to appreciate the beauty that life has to offer, to have more joy and to keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

I miss you my little one, everyday!

Love you forever

Mom

Struggle

Dear Gabby

I miss you, I cant believe its real.  I cant believe you are gone.

Today has been a tough day, I am struggling to connect to reality.  I am struggling to do anything really.

Even writing today is a struggle.  Its like my heart wants to forget this all and pretend that you are still living inside me and that one day soon you will be born and we can love you and nuture you and watch you grow up.

Today has been a really tough day.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Love your forever

Mom

Love and Support

Dear Gabby

Its truly amazing how human beings seem to come together during times of crisis and need.

I think that in our core being, each one of us has so much love to share and give, imagine if we all used our energy to focus on giving love and support to our fellow human beings, the world would definetly be a different place.

We are very blessed to have the love and support from our family and friends during our time of such pain and anguish.  It really has touched us so deeply, to realise that no matter what, we are surrounded by such an awesome support structure, who love and care and look after us so well.

Although this time has been filled with such intense grief and pain, it has also been a time of intense love.  A time of connection to our family and a time of growing closer together.

Today, I want to just be grateful for all of those amazing people in our lives, and I want to say thank-you to each and everyone of them for surrounding us with your love and those special little things that you do that make each day easier to get through.

I am so grateful for your big sister Kayla, who is going through so much right now, but she still manages to smile and laugh, she is such an amazing girl and I know that she is trying her best to handle her sorrow and her dissapointment.  She was looking so forward to being your big sister and I know that someday she will be a such an awesome big sister.  Please send her loads of love from heaven and keep her in your arms everyday.

I also want to say a special thank-you to your Dad, who is an incredible man.  He has been so loving and supportive and we are so lucky for having him in our lives.  He truly is a blessing and I know that through this pain and loss, we have grown closer together and our love for each other has strengthened so deeply.

I still miss you so much my baby girl and sometimes its hard to breathe when I think about what happened and how I cannot really change anything.  All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and trust that there is something bigger out there and that one day the pain will become easier to bear and somehow all of this will make sense.

Until then, help us to remember to love each other and that a simple act of kindness, even a smile, can really mean the world to someone in need.

Love you forever

Mom

Time

Dear Gabby

Its hard to believe that it has been a week today.

In some ways it feels so much longer with everything that has happened already. 

In other ways it still seems surreal.  Every morning I wake up and realise that I am not dreaming, that you really are no longer inside my tummy and then I feel really sad and I miss you so badly. 

I stare at your picture and remember that just over a week ago I could still feel you moving inside me.  Just over a week ago we still had dreams and plans for our little bundle of joy and now it is all over.

We saw the doctor again today and I was really hoping for answers.  I dont really know what I expecting, but I hoped they would be able to tell me what happened and what caused this so that somehow we could make sense of it all.  Somehow we would be able to understand it all and that someday when we are ready to try again, we would know what to look out for, what do differently. 

Sadly, the doctor couldnt say anthing concrete.  He thought it might have been an infection in the amniotic fluid, but he could not find any evidence of it.  He said that the placenta was perfect and that there was nothing wrong with you (which we already knew!).  The only thing he said is that my cervix could be weak and that next time, we would need to put a stitch in the cervix to prevent an early labour.

I dont know what to make of it, maybe nothing. I dont really even know if they did know the actual cause that it would have even helped anything.  I was thinking about the idea that if he did give us the exact cause and that it was something I did - maybe that would be harder to deal with, maybe I would never be able to forgive myself.

But then again, maybe it was just something that happened and there is no physical reason for it.  I dont know, but it feels like nothing.  It feels like it is just one of those things that we have to deal with, like when you loose your baby teeth.  It happens to everyone.

It shouldn't be like that, it should be a serious problem that they have to figure out.

So many people go through this all the time, you would think that in today's world with all the technlogy they would be able to understand it better and do everything possible to prevent it from happening.

I dont have the answers, I dont know why this happens to so many people all the time and I definetly dont know why this happened to us. 

All I know is that it did happen to us and it is awful and horrible and it is extremely painful to have that little life taken away.

Today I wish all my love and blessings to all the other people out there who have gone through losing a child and my hope is that you will find some comfort in knowing that your little angel is being loved and cared for and surrounded by angels.

I miss you dearly my little one.

Love you forever

Mom

Your Little Garden

Dear Gabby

We wanted to create a special place where we could remember you.  A place where we could visit you and just remember the special little angel that came into our lives.

We were going to put your ashes in a beautiful memorial garden in Fourways.  Then as we talked about it we decided that the best thing we could do was to create a beautiful little garden right at home for you.  That way would could visit you whenever we wanted to and you would always be close to us.  Just a few steps away.

So we picked out a space in the garden, that mom was going to use to plant a vegetable garden but had been putting it off for a while already.  Guess that the space was waiting for you.

So, we went to a little place that makes pots for gardens and everything worked out so perfectly.  It was as if we were being guided by an angel to exactly where we needed to go to get all the pieces for your garden.

We went to the nursery and chose a whole lot of little flowers and tree's that reminded us of you.  Mom, Dad and your big sister Kayla all chose a few flowers that would fit perfectly in the garden. 

On the way home we found some wooden screens to create a sacred space just for you.  Dad had to go back and fetch them because we never had space in the bakkie.

We then went to another garden centre, had some lunch and bought the pieces to make the sign for your garden.  This was Kayla's project and she did such an awesome job.  We also got a beautiful Cross that Kayla chose and some other signs to put up as well.

And so the building of your garden began.

We all worked very hard to create your little garden, especially Dad.  He put down the stone pavers and levelled out the area. We completely miscalculated the number of pavers and Dad had to go the next morning to get some more.

After all the pavers were put down, Kayla then started to plant the little pieces of grass in between the pavers, she did such an awesome job.

Once all the pots and the little bench was in place we started to plant all the little tree's and flowers, we all pitched in and did it together.  It was a real bonding experience for our little family. 

Its amazing how in the time of such pain and tragedy that we have all come together as a family and how this how ordeal has helped us to grow closer together and just focus on our love for your and for each other.

We have left one bit pot open for you, so that when you are finally home we can lay you to rest in your little garden.  We can finally finish your garden and focus on taking care of it, nurturing it and making sure it grows with love.




Your garden is as beautiful as you, and every moment we spend in it - we can connect with you and talk to you and just remember you.  Our love for you, blossoms into our love for each other and my hope is that we can learn to see the world through your eyes, through unconditional love for each other and for life.

Even as I am writing this I am hearing a tiny little voice saying " I am always with you, you dont need a special place".  I think we already know this, I talk to you all the time and I know Dad does as well.  I hope that you can connect with Kayla, because she really needs you, but I think she is a bit scared of talking to you.  This is all so new for her - she has never had to deal with losing someone before.

Please take care of her, and let her know you love her and you care for her every day.


Its a beautiful place to honour you and a sacred place to focus on what is important in our lives - loving each other.

We also got so many flowers from other people which we need to still find place for.  Dad said we should just keep extending the garden all the way up the hill :-)

A big thank-you to everyone for all the beautiful flowers and once we are completely finished we will share the final result with everyone.



We love you so much Gabby and every morning when I see the beautiful garden and all the pretty little flowers I think of you and I think of how much we miss you and love you.

Love you Forever
Mom, Dad and Kayla

Your Story

Dear Gabby

You were born on the 18th September 2012 at 16:35.  You were only 21 weeks old and too young to survive on your own.  You lived only for a few minutes and then you left this world to be with the Angels.

The nurse brought you to us to meet you and say goodbye.


You were so beautiful, your little tiny perfect body lay there wrapped in a white blanket.  It almost looked like you were sleeping and that any minute you would take a deep breath an let out a cry to let us know that you are alive and well.  But you didnt breathe, and you didnt move, you just layed their so peacefully like a beautiful picture forever etched in our minds and in our hearts.

Mom and Dad just stared endlessly at your perfect little body.  Your beautiful little face, your perfect little lips.  You looked just like your Dad.  You had whisps of hair on your tiny little head. You had long little legs and it reminded me of how I felt you moving inside my tummy, must have been those long legs :-)

Your little hands had tiny little finger nails and your little toes had tiny little toe nails.  They were so perfect, so beautiful.

We just held you,kissed you gently and touched your little cheeks and just took in the moment that wished would last forever.  It was almost as if time was paused at that moment so that the image of you could be forever etched in our memory.

Only a few minutes later, we had to say goodbye as the nurse took you away.  I sometimes wish that we held on longer, that we just lay next to you and took more in, I wish we gave your more kisses and more hugs before they took you away.

I really wish that your big sister Kayla could have had that same experience with you.  She is so sad that she couldnt have held you, I am so sad too, I think she would have loved to just hold you in her arms and say goodbye.  But she loves you so much and she knows that you are with her everyday.

Remembering that day now fills me with such mixed emotions.  Alot of people say that you shouldnt see a baby that was no longer alive and that it is traumatic.  I dont think so at all, it was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life and I am so glad that I got to see you, so that from now on I can look back and remember that small moment in time where I met you.

Right now I don't understand why this happened and why you had to leave us so soon, I can only look back to that moment and remember that perfect little angel that we held for a small moment in time and remember how perfect you were and how much we loved you.

I hope that in time we might get answers in both the physical world and the spiritual world and I hope that this tragedy can become a shining light and that we can continue to send out love into the world in your honour.

Love you forever

Mom