Its 5 months today since you became an Angel. In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago, but one that I remember as though it was yesterday.
I remember the moment when we found out, I remember that feeling of being stabbed in the heart when I had to tell your dad and your sister. I remember holding you and I remember saying goodbye.
It has been quite a journey since then, althoug it still feels so incomplete. There is so much more that needs to be experienced. There are days where I feel so lost and so much pain and I wonder how people make it through these horrible situations.
It seems so sad that after thousands of years on this earth, we still have to suffer like we do. Mothers still lose babies, children still lose parents. There is pointless death and hurt and pain around us all the time. People are angry and hurt and life just seems to be one endless struggle to survive.
At some stage I believed that things happen for reason and I really believed that somehow the pain that we had gone through would reveal some life lesson or that somehow all of this would make sense in the bigger picture. Perhaps after this whole experience, I would finally be more connected to spirit and that ultimately this would have taught me compassion and love.
Today as I sit here, I feel very confused. It is 5 months later and it feels as through things are the same. No amazing thing happened, no spiritual awakening. Life went on, the pain remains and emptiness ensues.
I still miss you everyday my Angel girl, right now I have lost my faith and I am really hurting, but my love for you will always remain strong!
I am sorry that I do not have words of inspiration today! This is just how I feel.
Today I am sad
Today i am angry
I am lost and destroyed
Today this world is cruel
Today I see pain and suffering
I am irritable and frustrated
I am tired of the darkness
I am tired of the pain
I want to feel love
I want to feel joy
Tomorrow starts again
Let the sun shine!
Love you Forever
Mom
