1 year ago

Dear Gabby

One year ago, I was wheeled into the doctors office and for a scan and was told that something had gone horribly wrong and that we would lose our beautiful baby girl that I had been carrying in my belly for 5 months.

One year ago, I had to give birth to a daughter I knew would not ever get to meet, never get to hear her cry and never get to watch her grow.

One year ago they took our little girl away and she left to another place.  Perhaps one more kind than this one. 

One year ago, they brought our beautiful baby girl to us, wrapped in a white blanket so that we could hold her and say goodbye.

I remember one year ago as if it were yesterday - I play that day over and over in my head and I remember that day we had to say goodbye to our little angel.



I miss you my Gabby - I miss you everyday. 

It never gets any easier, there is no getting over losing you.  There is no moving on, there just isn't.  All we can do is learn to adjust and learn to cope with the pain. 

I thought that I would find peace in all of this that at some point I could put it behind me - I guess that now is not the time, perhaps it never will be.

I have no words of wisdom, no words of peace and no words that make sense - just sadness and a never ending aching heart that does not want to heal.

Love you forever

Mom
XOXO
18/09/2012

 

5 Months

Dear Gabby

Its 5 months today since you became an Angel.  In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago, but one that I remember as though it was yesterday. 

I remember the moment when we found out, I remember that feeling of being stabbed in the heart when I had to tell your dad and your sister. I remember holding you and I remember saying goodbye.

It has been quite a journey since then, althoug it still feels so incomplete.  There is so much more that needs to be experienced.  There are days where I feel so lost and so much pain and I wonder how people make it through these horrible situations. 

It seems so sad that after thousands of years on this earth, we still have to suffer like we do.  Mothers still lose babies, children still lose parents.  There is pointless death and hurt and pain around us all the time.  People are angry and hurt and life just seems to be one endless struggle to survive.

At some stage I believed that things happen for  reason and I really believed that somehow the pain that we had gone through would reveal some life lesson or that somehow all of this would make sense in the bigger picture.  Perhaps after this whole experience, I would finally be more connected to spirit and that ultimately this would have taught me compassion and love.

Today as I sit here, I feel very confused.  It is 5 months later and it feels as through things are the same.  No amazing thing happened, no spiritual awakening.  Life went on, the pain remains and emptiness ensues.

I still miss you everyday my Angel girl, right now I have lost my faith and I am really hurting, but my love for you will always remain strong!

I am sorry that I do not have words of inspiration today!  This is just how I feel.

Today I am sad
Today i am angry
I am lost and destroyed

Today this world is cruel
Today I see pain and suffering
I am irritable and frustrated

I am tired of the darkness
I am tired of the pain

I want to feel love
I want to feel joy

Tomorrow starts again
Let the sun shine!

Love you Forever

Mom