Darkness

Dear Gabby

Its Tuesday!  I always seem to have a bad day on a Tuesday.  My Sister reminded me a couple of weeks ago that Tuesday was the day we lost you. So somewhere subconsciously Tuesday's are marked as tough days.  Thanks to your awesome dad for reminding me :-)

It seems to be a very strange time in the world right now, so many people I know are going through a really tough time and are experiencing real tragedy and situations that before seemed like they were distant and happened to other people, not to me and not to the people that I love and care about.

Its seems like the world is going crazy around us and it sometimes feels like its difficult to stay afloat in all this craziness.

Perhaps all this madness is happening right now to wake everyone up.  If I think about what I went personally went through and the awakening that happened to me, it makes sense.

Maybe we as human beings are starting to realise that the lives we have been living have not really been living at all and have just really been struggling to survive until we die.  I know that sounds dismal, but I think that most people live their lives like that.

Maybe the struggle and the pain forces us to look at our lives and it puts everything in perspective again. It gives us the choice to get rid of the things that don't work for us any more and it offers an opportunity to make changes in our lives.

For me personally, I realised that my lifestyle was killing me slowly but surely. I worked too long, I never appreciated my family, I never looked after my health at all and I was a ticking time bomb.  After losing you it dawned on me that my priorities in my life were all wrong and that it was time to make some changes in my life.  It has been a bit of struggle, I think as human beings we dont like change and it has taken some time to make real changes, but I have been doing it little by little everyday and I am really proud of what I have achieved so far.  I still have a long way to go, but I see it now as journey back to life and not a quick switch.

So perhaps pain and struggle are good, although it is not a pleasant experience and it really sucks.  Perhaps there is purpose in pain.  Perhaps the why we are looking for is not the why we should be looking for.  I know I may never have the answer for why this happened to me from a physical perspective and the doctors I have spoken to and the stories that I have read has said that these things just happen and there is no explanation   However I am the kind of person that likes to take a bad situation and find the good, because there is always good in everything, whether we see it or not, it is there.

So for me the good is that I have awakened from my slumber and I have a new perspective on life.  Its not always plain sailing, but little by little and day by day things are starting to flow easier.  Things are starting to get better and I am starting to feel like a new person.

Thank-you my little angel for all the messages that you are sending me everyday.  I see them and I just wanted to say thank-you!  They give me hope and they remind me to keep on this path and not let myself slip back into the darkness.

Love you Forever
Mom

Sharing

Dear Gabby

I was reading through some of my old blogs and came accross this post, I wanted to share it here because it seems so wise and so true.  Its a bit of a long read, but it is really worth it.

It made me think about how much I have changed in the last couple of months and how much more these words mean now.

Love you Forever
Mom

I've Learned...
From Andy Rooney

This was written by Andy Rooney a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy........

I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....
That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned...
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned....
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned....
That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned....
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned....
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned....
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned....
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned....
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned....
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Busyness

Dear Gabby

I have really missed writing to you in the past couple of weeks.  Life is just so crazy busy recently.

It seems as if life is really moving at such a rapid pace, so many changes are happening right now.  Its almost as if someone has stepped on the accelerator.

I am starting a new job next month, I am so looking forward to a change of pace and a completely new challenge.  I am a little nervous because its completely out of my comfort zone but it feels right.  Actually everything is starting to feel right, its quite an unusual feeling.

I have started meditating every morning for the past few weeks and I have actually stuck to it, something I have really struggled with for a long time.  I have started to learn to prioritise at work more and not take on things that I am not responsible for and I have been leaving at a normal time everyday/

We have been taking family walks at least 3 or 4 times a week after work, which has really been a great time to get some fresh air and some bonding time.

I have even stopped smoking now - 3 whole days, something I previously thought was impossible.

I feel like life is flowing in the right direction and if I just go with the flow things will happen.

I know that all this is happening right now thanks to a special little angel in heaven who is taking such good care of all of us.  So thank you my angel, thank-you for surrounding us with your love every single day.

I still get sad when I see a pregnant mom and I still get sad when I see a newborn baby, its still tough to think of what could have been.  I Still get sad when I think that right now, if things were different I would have been 30 weeks pregnant and we would have been getting ready to welcome you into this world.

But I am starting to accept what is.  I am starting to accept that you were not meant to be in this world and that perhaps you were created out of love between your dad and I to be our guardian angel and to help us from heaven.

I am so grateful that you are with us everyday and I am so grateful that everyday I can go on with my life with faith and trust that we are safe and we are loved.

Thank-you!

Love you Forever

Mom