Making Space

Dear Gabby

I haven't written in a while, not because I havent been thinking about you but because I have been in a space of nowhere.  I have been trying to figure out where exactly I am in relation to everything that has happened. 

LIfe is strange.  We go through some really tough things and somehow we continue to live our lives, mainly because we have to and because we have so many people who need us and depend us.  Probably not a bad thing because I think that when grief takes hold of us, we could easily slip into a black abyss and never come out of it.

When the pain takes over, its almost as if you cant really get up in the morning, everyday tasks seemed pointless and painful.  Even a simple task like brushing your teeth, getting ready for work, putting on clothes seem really tough.  If I didnt have my beautiful amazing daughter, my awesome husband and my incredible family and friends, I dont think I could have gotten out of bed during those first few weeks and I certainly dont think I would have made it back to work.

Life forces us to keep taking the next step and time ticks on and on and on and the first week goes by and then eventually the first month.  Wow, a whole month!

I wrote before about the emptiness that I felt and the nothingness and it is starting to make sense to me now.  I need to feel the emptiness and the nothingness because its making space for something new.

You see I knew that even before I lost you that I was not really living my life to the fullest and although I had a pretty amazing life, I wasnt really living it and I wasnt really seeing all the beauty and love in my life.

I made a promise to myself that I would start living my life and I would start to see all the beauty that surrounds me. 

I figure that the nothingness and emptiness is just me starting to make space for new energy in my life.  One of love and peace and faith.  Its amazing that I am already starting to feel this new energy and slowly but surely, one small step at a time things are changing and I am starting to feel lighter and I am starting to feel more at peace. 

Yesterday was a good day, for the first time in a very long time I felt real joy and peace. I havent felt like that years.

So my little angel, if your purpose was to awaken me to my life - then I have to thank you from the deepest part of my heart.  If your purpose was to make me see the beauty again, then you have done that and more.

Thank-you for touching my life and making me see the love again.

Love you Forever

Mom

1 Month

Dear Gabby

Its been a whole month since you left us for heaven.  We still miss you like terribly.

In many ways my mind has not even really accepted it.  I mean logically I know you are not growing inside me any more, I know that I will never see you grow and that you will always be that tiny little baby that we held for a brief moment in time.

As I go through the motions of everyday life and get the things done that need doing, every now and again it catches my breath and I gasp as I realise that this is real.  I realise that I really was pregnant, I really did lose a child, I really did hold her in my arms lifeless as I said goodbye to my beautiful little angel.  And once again I relive the whole experience, I lose you all over again.

Life can be so busy as we go through each day doing stuff, so that we can get it done.  Once you go through something like this, life does not stop.  The stuff still needs doing.  I find myself going through the motions, doing what I need to do and my mind is working furiously fast looking forward at the other things I need to do and get done until I work myself into a frenzy and I eventually fall down and life just seems too much.  But I have realised in the past couple of days that I need to slow down. 

I need to literally take one thing at a time and I need to allow myself time off to deal with the grief and the loss.  I need to stop planning and thinking about my entire life and just allow myself to be.  In the bigger picture there is nothing that needs to happen right now, except allowing right now to be.  

Right now all I need is to just be here, present.  Present in the loss, present in the grief and present in the sadness.


I love you my angel - right now,  I miss you my angel - right now, I wish you were here - right now.  And that is all that matters.

Love You Forever 
Mom

Hope

Dear Gabby

Just over 3 weeks ago you were still growing inside my tummy.  We were all excited about having a little baby in the house.  We all daydreamed about our little girl who would come into our lives and bring to our family a new era.  A new beginning.

We were planning your little room, Dad wasn't really fond of too much pink so we were planning to make a lady bug theme in your room.  We already had all the furniture that we would need given to us by your aunt and uncle. 

Your dad would talk to you everyday through my tummy and his eyes lit up as he  pondered the thought of holding you in his arms.  I often imagined what his excitement would be like when he held you for the first time.

Mom was looking so forward to being on maternity leave, so that I could have some much needed family time with you and your big sister.  Just some time to be a mom and a wife and not worry about anything else.

Just over 3 weeks ago, we had hopes and dreams and plans and now it feels empty.  Its like someone came in and stole it all away.  Its all gone.  We cant spend any more time on planning your room or dreaming about how things will be once your born.  Its all gone.

None of the wise words that I have read or heard can take the place of the emptiness that I feel in my heart right now.  Its blank, empty - there is nothing there and I mourn for those dreams just as much as I mourn for my little baby girl that left this world.

Right now I am just sad and lost and it just feels really empty. Empty in my belly, empty in my arms and empty in my dreams.

I know in my mind that things are not hopeless and that life must go on and we must make new dreams and new plans, but for right now - I don't want to make new plans and new dreams. I just want to be here surrounded by my beautiful family remembering my little angel Gabriella.

Love you forever

Mom

Happy Birthday!

Dear Gabby

12 years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful amazing little girl.  I was so young and bewildered to be a mom and I have spent the last 12 years growing up with my little baby.  It has been a tough journey, but as every mom can easily testify, it has also been the most incredibly rewarding journey.

Your big sister is the most awesome kid in the world.  She is so kind and thoughtful and always seems to attract friends into her life that have been through tragedy and loss.  And she takes these friends as they are and helps them along their journey.  She is an amazing little helper and caregiver to all of her little cousins.

She is diligent at her schoolwork and always tries very hard to do her best at school. She is very intelligent, just like her mom :-) and her mind is always busy figuring things out.  When she grows up she wants to be an engineer.

She has an incredible sense of humor and often catches me off guard at the funny things she comes up with and I love the special moments when we all giggle together at the silly side of life.

She is a great organizer and likes to be in control of any situation, so much so that she will organize any event down to the minute. She even started planning her birthday since the 09 October last year ... LOL!

She is my special little girl and I love her so much!

Please send her plenty of love from heaven and help lift the heavy burdens that she is carrying around with her right now.  Teach her to believe in herself and help her to see what an awesome young lady she is.  Help Mom and Dad to show her plenty of love and support and show us how we can help her on this journey, so that we can give her the best possible chance of success in life.  She deserves that so much!

Thank-you for all the signs and the messages my sweet little angel and I know that you walk with me everyday and I have faith that everything will be okay and that little by little everyday things will be better.

Love you forever

Mom

Getting Real

Dear Gabby

For the past few days I have been trying to be strong, trying to be "okay", trying to just get by and do what needs to be done.  When people ask how I am, the usual response is "I am okay". I realized today that being "strong" or "okay" is not really a good thing and its almost like I am pretending or being the person that I am expected to be.

The truth is that I am not okay.  I am dealing with the loss of my tiny little angel Gabriela.  I am dealing with fact that my Little angel will never cry, she will never take a breath, she will never smile or learn to say "mom".

I will never get to see her sit, or walk or run.  She will never wear pretty little dresses and I will never be able to do her hair.  I will never be able to comfort her when she falls, or give her kisses and cuddles.  She will never fall asleep in my arms or sing twinkle little star.

I will never be able to hold her hand on her first day of school or come home and listen to her endless tales of her adventures with her little friends.  I will never be able to watch her grow and learn as she experiences the world through her innocent little eyes.

I am not okay, I miss my little angel growing inside me.  Its hard to see other pregnant women. Not because I don't wish them well, but because it reminds me of my emptiness.  It reminds me that just a few weeks ago my little angel was right here with me, in my tummy.   I could feel her move inside me and I could dream about taking care of her and loving her.

Each day I wake up and try my very best to have a good outlook and I remind myself of all the wonderful people I have in my life.  I remind myself of all the greatness that there is the world, I remind myself about how much I have to give the world.  I remind myself to be strong and to focus on putting one foot in front of the other and I go out into the day and live life.

Its a struggle.  Part of me wants to lie in bed and allow the sadness to take over me.  Part of me wants to just cry and scream and stomp my feet in anger at the world.  Why me?  Why now?  Is this some kind of cruel punishment?  Part of me wants to be miserable and sad and angry, but then I remember that I have a awesome, beautiful daughter who I love with all my heart and an incredible husband who never ceases to amaze me with his love and compassion.  I am truly blessed with so much love and so many wonderful people in my life.

So the truth is that I am not okay, I have lost my little Gabby and I miss her incredibly everyday.  But I know that I am loved and I have so much love to give and that this journey is a long one and the only way to get there is one small step at a time.

Love you forever

Mom

Time for change

Dear Gabby

So I went back to work on Monday.  I was a little anxious about it as my emotions still seemed so raw and to be honest I was a little scared that I wouldn't cope with the additional stress of an already stressful situation. 

Well, the minute I got to work all I could feel was all these eyes on me and people surrounded me to give me their sympathetic hugs and well wishes.  I was immediately overwhelmed with emotion, and the dominant thought was "I have come back too soon".  I took a deep breath and centered myself, and then slowly but surely I managed to calm down and get focused on things that I needed to do at work.

The rest of the day felt pretty surreal as I started to be the observer and watch everything that was going on, it was almost as if I wasn't really there - I was disconnected from everything.  I just watched.

While watching, it dawned on me how pointless all of it actually is.  All the hype and all the drama, all the pointless running around to get things done.  The complaining about everything, the gossiping about what this one did or didn't do.  The insecurity of those afraid of losing their jobs.  The backstabbing and conspiring of those whose desire to succeed drives them crush anyone that stands in their way.  I watched all of this going on and I felt really saddened by the whole debacle.

I wasn't judging anyone at all, just watching and feeling sad.  Its amazing how the tragedy and trauma in your life can change your perspective.

You see Gabby, I think we are all stuck.  Stuck in our stories, stuck in a job that we have to do in order to pay the bills.  We live our lives in autopilot, disconnected from what really matters.  We go to work, get things done so that tomorrow we can get more to do.  Some of us work hard, some of us don't - but it doesn't really matter, because we spend most of our day wishing the hours away so that we can go home and spend time with our family.  But then by the time we get home, we are exhausted from the day's work and the traffic and the mundane thinking and doing. So we rush through our evening chores and make sure that the family is fed, bathed and all their things are done and then we put them to bed.

Then, we sit in front of the TV and zone out while watching mundane brain numbing programming and fool ourselves into believing that we are relaxing and unwinding, when we are really just numbing away the emptiness that we feel from an unfulfilling day.  Eventually we go to bed.  Each day we wish the hours away to go home, we wish the hours away till the weekend, we wish the hours away until we go on leave, until Christmas, until next year and then tomorrow we wake up and do it all over again and again and again.

I wonder how many people really go work each day and love their jobs and how many of them come home each day and feel fulfilled by what they have done that day, the people they have connected with, the great idea's they have seen come to life. I don't think many. 

It is so sad and pointless.

I watched myself the past 3 days, and I realize that even with the different perspective I have gained, it is so easy to slip back into that routine.  Its like a nasty habit that I cannot break.  I disconnect from life and just get things done.

I wonder how it must look from where you are to see us struggling through our daily lives of emptiness and I am sure that the answers do exist if we are willing to listen.

How do I live a better life, filled with love and purpose?  How do I wake up each morning with zest and passion, ready to make the day worth while?  How do I walk through the day with a feeling of awe and joy and appreciate even the smallest thing?

I don't have the answers right now, but I know that it is time for change. 

Love your Forever

Mom

Welcome home

Dear Gabby

Welcome home my little angel!

After much struggle to get you home to us and with much effort and love from your Aunty, you are finally home.  

It was a bittersweet moment because while we are so happy to have you home, it was hard to bring you home like that.  We would much rather be bringing you home wrapped in a blanket, where we could love you and nurture you and watch you grow.

We buried your ashes in your beautiful garden and planted the rose bush from your granny and your beautiful pink and white petunia's that your Dad chose for you.  We put a beautiful angel in the pot to watch over you. Your garden is beautiful and I hope that you will love your garden and come to play every now and then.

I know that we cannot have you home as we would like, but I also know that we will love and nurture your garden everyday and while we tend to your garden we will nurture our love for you and remember our little angel Gabriella.

We miss you dearly my little one!

Love your forever

Mom