Still Seeking

Dear Gabby

We are still having our ups and downs, our ebbs and flows.  I guess like anything else in life, even in nature.  Everything has a pattern or a flow, a high tide and a low tide.  Some things last longer than others.

I am still still feeling a bit lost, like I really dont know what direction I am going in right now.  Life seems to be just a bunch of chaos at the moment.  I started a new job, which is really exciting but at the same time it is really daunting becuase I am really out of my comfort zone and I feel exposed, naked.  After my first week I was thinking that I made a big mistake and that I wasnt ready for all the stress of a new job.  Once I calmed down, I realise that I definelty couldnt have stayed where I was - it was eating my soul, one day at a time and actually my new job is quite exciting. 

I still miss you terribly everyday, we all do.  I know you are around us all the time, but I think the reality sometimes just gets the better of me and I feel really sad. On Friday night when your aunty came over with her kids it was really nice to spend time with them.  When they left I was carrying your cousin to the car and he was sleeping, I felt a wave of sadnes come over me - this could have been you I was carrying.

It is still hard to see other woman who are pregnant and parents with young children.  They seem to be everywhere I look.  They remind me of our loss. The sad thing is that before I fell pregnant I really wasnt sure I was ready to have another baby with life being so hectic and then when we fell pregnant I thought that it was meant to be and I was starting to get really excited about having another little princess in our lives. 

I guess there are things that are beyond our understanding and although we say that it is meant to be and God works in mysterious ways - it doesnt take the pain away.  It does make it easier to deal with. 

And so as we go through the days, some days are easier than others.   So much has happned in our lives this year - it has been a very hard, tough year.  Not all bad, but there is an overall sense that it is time to move past this year.  I dont want to carry the burdens of this year into next year.

My wish right now is find some peace. Not joy or bliss or happiness, just peace.  It is time to make peace with this year and move on to next year with new hope, faith and trust that all is well - it is the only way.

Love You Forever
Mom

Just for today

Dear Gabby

I had this saved in my drafts for a while now, and it seems like today was the perfect day to read this and share this.

Sometimes the whole of life just gets too hectic too contemplate and sometimes all we need to do is to bring ourselves back to today and take it one small moment at a time.  Your dad tells me this all the time :-)

So here is something I wanted to share.

Love You Forever
Mom

 

JUST FOR TODAY

JUST FOR TODAY, I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime. 

JUST FOR TODAY, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine. 

JUST FOR TODAY, I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things I can correct and accept those I cannot. 

JUST FOR TODAY, I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer. 

JUST FOR TODAY, I will make a conscious effort to be aggreable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. 

JUST FOR TODAY, I will refrain from improving anybody but myself. 

JUST FOR TODAY, I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I am overweight, I will eat healthfully - if only just for today. And not only that, I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block. 

JUST FOR TODAY, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

Darkness

Dear Gabby

Its Tuesday!  I always seem to have a bad day on a Tuesday.  My Sister reminded me a couple of weeks ago that Tuesday was the day we lost you. So somewhere subconsciously Tuesday's are marked as tough days.  Thanks to your awesome dad for reminding me :-)

It seems to be a very strange time in the world right now, so many people I know are going through a really tough time and are experiencing real tragedy and situations that before seemed like they were distant and happened to other people, not to me and not to the people that I love and care about.

Its seems like the world is going crazy around us and it sometimes feels like its difficult to stay afloat in all this craziness.

Perhaps all this madness is happening right now to wake everyone up.  If I think about what I went personally went through and the awakening that happened to me, it makes sense.

Maybe we as human beings are starting to realise that the lives we have been living have not really been living at all and have just really been struggling to survive until we die.  I know that sounds dismal, but I think that most people live their lives like that.

Maybe the struggle and the pain forces us to look at our lives and it puts everything in perspective again. It gives us the choice to get rid of the things that don't work for us any more and it offers an opportunity to make changes in our lives.

For me personally, I realised that my lifestyle was killing me slowly but surely. I worked too long, I never appreciated my family, I never looked after my health at all and I was a ticking time bomb.  After losing you it dawned on me that my priorities in my life were all wrong and that it was time to make some changes in my life.  It has been a bit of struggle, I think as human beings we dont like change and it has taken some time to make real changes, but I have been doing it little by little everyday and I am really proud of what I have achieved so far.  I still have a long way to go, but I see it now as journey back to life and not a quick switch.

So perhaps pain and struggle are good, although it is not a pleasant experience and it really sucks.  Perhaps there is purpose in pain.  Perhaps the why we are looking for is not the why we should be looking for.  I know I may never have the answer for why this happened to me from a physical perspective and the doctors I have spoken to and the stories that I have read has said that these things just happen and there is no explanation   However I am the kind of person that likes to take a bad situation and find the good, because there is always good in everything, whether we see it or not, it is there.

So for me the good is that I have awakened from my slumber and I have a new perspective on life.  Its not always plain sailing, but little by little and day by day things are starting to flow easier.  Things are starting to get better and I am starting to feel like a new person.

Thank-you my little angel for all the messages that you are sending me everyday.  I see them and I just wanted to say thank-you!  They give me hope and they remind me to keep on this path and not let myself slip back into the darkness.

Love you Forever
Mom

Sharing

Dear Gabby

I was reading through some of my old blogs and came accross this post, I wanted to share it here because it seems so wise and so true.  Its a bit of a long read, but it is really worth it.

It made me think about how much I have changed in the last couple of months and how much more these words mean now.

Love you Forever
Mom

I've Learned...
From Andy Rooney

This was written by Andy Rooney a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy........

I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....
That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned...
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned....
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned....
That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned....
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned....
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned....
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned....
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned....
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned....
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Busyness

Dear Gabby

I have really missed writing to you in the past couple of weeks.  Life is just so crazy busy recently.

It seems as if life is really moving at such a rapid pace, so many changes are happening right now.  Its almost as if someone has stepped on the accelerator.

I am starting a new job next month, I am so looking forward to a change of pace and a completely new challenge.  I am a little nervous because its completely out of my comfort zone but it feels right.  Actually everything is starting to feel right, its quite an unusual feeling.

I have started meditating every morning for the past few weeks and I have actually stuck to it, something I have really struggled with for a long time.  I have started to learn to prioritise at work more and not take on things that I am not responsible for and I have been leaving at a normal time everyday/

We have been taking family walks at least 3 or 4 times a week after work, which has really been a great time to get some fresh air and some bonding time.

I have even stopped smoking now - 3 whole days, something I previously thought was impossible.

I feel like life is flowing in the right direction and if I just go with the flow things will happen.

I know that all this is happening right now thanks to a special little angel in heaven who is taking such good care of all of us.  So thank you my angel, thank-you for surrounding us with your love every single day.

I still get sad when I see a pregnant mom and I still get sad when I see a newborn baby, its still tough to think of what could have been.  I Still get sad when I think that right now, if things were different I would have been 30 weeks pregnant and we would have been getting ready to welcome you into this world.

But I am starting to accept what is.  I am starting to accept that you were not meant to be in this world and that perhaps you were created out of love between your dad and I to be our guardian angel and to help us from heaven.

I am so grateful that you are with us everyday and I am so grateful that everyday I can go on with my life with faith and trust that we are safe and we are loved.

Thank-you!

Love you Forever

Mom

Making Space

Dear Gabby

I haven't written in a while, not because I havent been thinking about you but because I have been in a space of nowhere.  I have been trying to figure out where exactly I am in relation to everything that has happened. 

LIfe is strange.  We go through some really tough things and somehow we continue to live our lives, mainly because we have to and because we have so many people who need us and depend us.  Probably not a bad thing because I think that when grief takes hold of us, we could easily slip into a black abyss and never come out of it.

When the pain takes over, its almost as if you cant really get up in the morning, everyday tasks seemed pointless and painful.  Even a simple task like brushing your teeth, getting ready for work, putting on clothes seem really tough.  If I didnt have my beautiful amazing daughter, my awesome husband and my incredible family and friends, I dont think I could have gotten out of bed during those first few weeks and I certainly dont think I would have made it back to work.

Life forces us to keep taking the next step and time ticks on and on and on and the first week goes by and then eventually the first month.  Wow, a whole month!

I wrote before about the emptiness that I felt and the nothingness and it is starting to make sense to me now.  I need to feel the emptiness and the nothingness because its making space for something new.

You see I knew that even before I lost you that I was not really living my life to the fullest and although I had a pretty amazing life, I wasnt really living it and I wasnt really seeing all the beauty and love in my life.

I made a promise to myself that I would start living my life and I would start to see all the beauty that surrounds me. 

I figure that the nothingness and emptiness is just me starting to make space for new energy in my life.  One of love and peace and faith.  Its amazing that I am already starting to feel this new energy and slowly but surely, one small step at a time things are changing and I am starting to feel lighter and I am starting to feel more at peace. 

Yesterday was a good day, for the first time in a very long time I felt real joy and peace. I havent felt like that years.

So my little angel, if your purpose was to awaken me to my life - then I have to thank you from the deepest part of my heart.  If your purpose was to make me see the beauty again, then you have done that and more.

Thank-you for touching my life and making me see the love again.

Love you Forever

Mom

1 Month

Dear Gabby

Its been a whole month since you left us for heaven.  We still miss you like terribly.

In many ways my mind has not even really accepted it.  I mean logically I know you are not growing inside me any more, I know that I will never see you grow and that you will always be that tiny little baby that we held for a brief moment in time.

As I go through the motions of everyday life and get the things done that need doing, every now and again it catches my breath and I gasp as I realise that this is real.  I realise that I really was pregnant, I really did lose a child, I really did hold her in my arms lifeless as I said goodbye to my beautiful little angel.  And once again I relive the whole experience, I lose you all over again.

Life can be so busy as we go through each day doing stuff, so that we can get it done.  Once you go through something like this, life does not stop.  The stuff still needs doing.  I find myself going through the motions, doing what I need to do and my mind is working furiously fast looking forward at the other things I need to do and get done until I work myself into a frenzy and I eventually fall down and life just seems too much.  But I have realised in the past couple of days that I need to slow down. 

I need to literally take one thing at a time and I need to allow myself time off to deal with the grief and the loss.  I need to stop planning and thinking about my entire life and just allow myself to be.  In the bigger picture there is nothing that needs to happen right now, except allowing right now to be.  

Right now all I need is to just be here, present.  Present in the loss, present in the grief and present in the sadness.


I love you my angel - right now,  I miss you my angel - right now, I wish you were here - right now.  And that is all that matters.

Love You Forever 
Mom

Hope

Dear Gabby

Just over 3 weeks ago you were still growing inside my tummy.  We were all excited about having a little baby in the house.  We all daydreamed about our little girl who would come into our lives and bring to our family a new era.  A new beginning.

We were planning your little room, Dad wasn't really fond of too much pink so we were planning to make a lady bug theme in your room.  We already had all the furniture that we would need given to us by your aunt and uncle. 

Your dad would talk to you everyday through my tummy and his eyes lit up as he  pondered the thought of holding you in his arms.  I often imagined what his excitement would be like when he held you for the first time.

Mom was looking so forward to being on maternity leave, so that I could have some much needed family time with you and your big sister.  Just some time to be a mom and a wife and not worry about anything else.

Just over 3 weeks ago, we had hopes and dreams and plans and now it feels empty.  Its like someone came in and stole it all away.  Its all gone.  We cant spend any more time on planning your room or dreaming about how things will be once your born.  Its all gone.

None of the wise words that I have read or heard can take the place of the emptiness that I feel in my heart right now.  Its blank, empty - there is nothing there and I mourn for those dreams just as much as I mourn for my little baby girl that left this world.

Right now I am just sad and lost and it just feels really empty. Empty in my belly, empty in my arms and empty in my dreams.

I know in my mind that things are not hopeless and that life must go on and we must make new dreams and new plans, but for right now - I don't want to make new plans and new dreams. I just want to be here surrounded by my beautiful family remembering my little angel Gabriella.

Love you forever

Mom

Happy Birthday!

Dear Gabby

12 years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful amazing little girl.  I was so young and bewildered to be a mom and I have spent the last 12 years growing up with my little baby.  It has been a tough journey, but as every mom can easily testify, it has also been the most incredibly rewarding journey.

Your big sister is the most awesome kid in the world.  She is so kind and thoughtful and always seems to attract friends into her life that have been through tragedy and loss.  And she takes these friends as they are and helps them along their journey.  She is an amazing little helper and caregiver to all of her little cousins.

She is diligent at her schoolwork and always tries very hard to do her best at school. She is very intelligent, just like her mom :-) and her mind is always busy figuring things out.  When she grows up she wants to be an engineer.

She has an incredible sense of humor and often catches me off guard at the funny things she comes up with and I love the special moments when we all giggle together at the silly side of life.

She is a great organizer and likes to be in control of any situation, so much so that she will organize any event down to the minute. She even started planning her birthday since the 09 October last year ... LOL!

She is my special little girl and I love her so much!

Please send her plenty of love from heaven and help lift the heavy burdens that she is carrying around with her right now.  Teach her to believe in herself and help her to see what an awesome young lady she is.  Help Mom and Dad to show her plenty of love and support and show us how we can help her on this journey, so that we can give her the best possible chance of success in life.  She deserves that so much!

Thank-you for all the signs and the messages my sweet little angel and I know that you walk with me everyday and I have faith that everything will be okay and that little by little everyday things will be better.

Love you forever

Mom

Getting Real

Dear Gabby

For the past few days I have been trying to be strong, trying to be "okay", trying to just get by and do what needs to be done.  When people ask how I am, the usual response is "I am okay". I realized today that being "strong" or "okay" is not really a good thing and its almost like I am pretending or being the person that I am expected to be.

The truth is that I am not okay.  I am dealing with the loss of my tiny little angel Gabriela.  I am dealing with fact that my Little angel will never cry, she will never take a breath, she will never smile or learn to say "mom".

I will never get to see her sit, or walk or run.  She will never wear pretty little dresses and I will never be able to do her hair.  I will never be able to comfort her when she falls, or give her kisses and cuddles.  She will never fall asleep in my arms or sing twinkle little star.

I will never be able to hold her hand on her first day of school or come home and listen to her endless tales of her adventures with her little friends.  I will never be able to watch her grow and learn as she experiences the world through her innocent little eyes.

I am not okay, I miss my little angel growing inside me.  Its hard to see other pregnant women. Not because I don't wish them well, but because it reminds me of my emptiness.  It reminds me that just a few weeks ago my little angel was right here with me, in my tummy.   I could feel her move inside me and I could dream about taking care of her and loving her.

Each day I wake up and try my very best to have a good outlook and I remind myself of all the wonderful people I have in my life.  I remind myself of all the greatness that there is the world, I remind myself about how much I have to give the world.  I remind myself to be strong and to focus on putting one foot in front of the other and I go out into the day and live life.

Its a struggle.  Part of me wants to lie in bed and allow the sadness to take over me.  Part of me wants to just cry and scream and stomp my feet in anger at the world.  Why me?  Why now?  Is this some kind of cruel punishment?  Part of me wants to be miserable and sad and angry, but then I remember that I have a awesome, beautiful daughter who I love with all my heart and an incredible husband who never ceases to amaze me with his love and compassion.  I am truly blessed with so much love and so many wonderful people in my life.

So the truth is that I am not okay, I have lost my little Gabby and I miss her incredibly everyday.  But I know that I am loved and I have so much love to give and that this journey is a long one and the only way to get there is one small step at a time.

Love you forever

Mom

Time for change

Dear Gabby

So I went back to work on Monday.  I was a little anxious about it as my emotions still seemed so raw and to be honest I was a little scared that I wouldn't cope with the additional stress of an already stressful situation. 

Well, the minute I got to work all I could feel was all these eyes on me and people surrounded me to give me their sympathetic hugs and well wishes.  I was immediately overwhelmed with emotion, and the dominant thought was "I have come back too soon".  I took a deep breath and centered myself, and then slowly but surely I managed to calm down and get focused on things that I needed to do at work.

The rest of the day felt pretty surreal as I started to be the observer and watch everything that was going on, it was almost as if I wasn't really there - I was disconnected from everything.  I just watched.

While watching, it dawned on me how pointless all of it actually is.  All the hype and all the drama, all the pointless running around to get things done.  The complaining about everything, the gossiping about what this one did or didn't do.  The insecurity of those afraid of losing their jobs.  The backstabbing and conspiring of those whose desire to succeed drives them crush anyone that stands in their way.  I watched all of this going on and I felt really saddened by the whole debacle.

I wasn't judging anyone at all, just watching and feeling sad.  Its amazing how the tragedy and trauma in your life can change your perspective.

You see Gabby, I think we are all stuck.  Stuck in our stories, stuck in a job that we have to do in order to pay the bills.  We live our lives in autopilot, disconnected from what really matters.  We go to work, get things done so that tomorrow we can get more to do.  Some of us work hard, some of us don't - but it doesn't really matter, because we spend most of our day wishing the hours away so that we can go home and spend time with our family.  But then by the time we get home, we are exhausted from the day's work and the traffic and the mundane thinking and doing. So we rush through our evening chores and make sure that the family is fed, bathed and all their things are done and then we put them to bed.

Then, we sit in front of the TV and zone out while watching mundane brain numbing programming and fool ourselves into believing that we are relaxing and unwinding, when we are really just numbing away the emptiness that we feel from an unfulfilling day.  Eventually we go to bed.  Each day we wish the hours away to go home, we wish the hours away till the weekend, we wish the hours away until we go on leave, until Christmas, until next year and then tomorrow we wake up and do it all over again and again and again.

I wonder how many people really go work each day and love their jobs and how many of them come home each day and feel fulfilled by what they have done that day, the people they have connected with, the great idea's they have seen come to life. I don't think many. 

It is so sad and pointless.

I watched myself the past 3 days, and I realize that even with the different perspective I have gained, it is so easy to slip back into that routine.  Its like a nasty habit that I cannot break.  I disconnect from life and just get things done.

I wonder how it must look from where you are to see us struggling through our daily lives of emptiness and I am sure that the answers do exist if we are willing to listen.

How do I live a better life, filled with love and purpose?  How do I wake up each morning with zest and passion, ready to make the day worth while?  How do I walk through the day with a feeling of awe and joy and appreciate even the smallest thing?

I don't have the answers right now, but I know that it is time for change. 

Love your Forever

Mom

Welcome home

Dear Gabby

Welcome home my little angel!

After much struggle to get you home to us and with much effort and love from your Aunty, you are finally home.  

It was a bittersweet moment because while we are so happy to have you home, it was hard to bring you home like that.  We would much rather be bringing you home wrapped in a blanket, where we could love you and nurture you and watch you grow.

We buried your ashes in your beautiful garden and planted the rose bush from your granny and your beautiful pink and white petunia's that your Dad chose for you.  We put a beautiful angel in the pot to watch over you. Your garden is beautiful and I hope that you will love your garden and come to play every now and then.

I know that we cannot have you home as we would like, but I also know that we will love and nurture your garden everyday and while we tend to your garden we will nurture our love for you and remember our little angel Gabriella.

We miss you dearly my little one!

Love your forever

Mom

And Life goes on ...

Dear Gabby

I have been feeling pretty strange the past couple of days.  We have been really busy with things around the house and I have been completely relaxing and taking time to recover from everything.

Its been a good couple of days.  I have been feeling rather light hearted about life and we all had a few good laughs and slowly but surely my heavy heart has begun to lift.  It kind of feels strange to be happy after everything that has happened.  Although I have been trying to understand this all and have come to the conclusion, that the why really doesn't matter right now.

If I look back to 3 weeks ago, my life felt so empty.  I was struggling just to get through the day.  Life seemed like alot of hard work and although I was trying to be positive and find some kind of hope in each day.  The truth is that I was drowning.

After all that we have been through in the past few weeks, I actually feel like I have woken up.  I feel like I can look around me at my life and my family and I can really connect with everything.  Its like I have woken up to what is real and what is not.

What is real is the love I have for your dad and your big sister, actually all of our family.  What is real is waking up each morning and looking at your beautiful garden and appreciating the beauty of each and every flower, pot and stone that we created.  What is real is being able to smile and laugh together.

You see Gabby, life is about choices.  I can choose to look at life as a struggle and full of pain and anguish or I can choose to look at life as an incredible experience.  

I can wake up each morning and I can focus on all the beautiful things that life has to offer.  A kiss from my amazing husband or hug from my beautiful daughter.  I can really appreciate the birds singing in the early hours of the morning, nibbling at the berries on your tree. There are so many things to appreciate and marvel at each and every day.

I realize that I have been isolated for the past couple of weeks and that has given me a different perspective on my life.  I guess from tomorrow, when I go back to work, the major challenge is going to be to keep this outlook on life.  I need to keep on focusing on what matters and not let the little things bring me down.

I know that I cannot change what happened, I cannot understand why or how.  I can really only choose to take what I can from this situation and if I can honor my little angel in anyway, it would be to live a better life.  

To love more, to appreciate the beauty that life has to offer, to have more joy and to keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

I miss you my little one, everyday!

Love you forever

Mom

Struggle

Dear Gabby

I miss you, I cant believe its real.  I cant believe you are gone.

Today has been a tough day, I am struggling to connect to reality.  I am struggling to do anything really.

Even writing today is a struggle.  Its like my heart wants to forget this all and pretend that you are still living inside me and that one day soon you will be born and we can love you and nuture you and watch you grow up.

Today has been a really tough day.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Love your forever

Mom

Love and Support

Dear Gabby

Its truly amazing how human beings seem to come together during times of crisis and need.

I think that in our core being, each one of us has so much love to share and give, imagine if we all used our energy to focus on giving love and support to our fellow human beings, the world would definetly be a different place.

We are very blessed to have the love and support from our family and friends during our time of such pain and anguish.  It really has touched us so deeply, to realise that no matter what, we are surrounded by such an awesome support structure, who love and care and look after us so well.

Although this time has been filled with such intense grief and pain, it has also been a time of intense love.  A time of connection to our family and a time of growing closer together.

Today, I want to just be grateful for all of those amazing people in our lives, and I want to say thank-you to each and everyone of them for surrounding us with your love and those special little things that you do that make each day easier to get through.

I am so grateful for your big sister Kayla, who is going through so much right now, but she still manages to smile and laugh, she is such an amazing girl and I know that she is trying her best to handle her sorrow and her dissapointment.  She was looking so forward to being your big sister and I know that someday she will be a such an awesome big sister.  Please send her loads of love from heaven and keep her in your arms everyday.

I also want to say a special thank-you to your Dad, who is an incredible man.  He has been so loving and supportive and we are so lucky for having him in our lives.  He truly is a blessing and I know that through this pain and loss, we have grown closer together and our love for each other has strengthened so deeply.

I still miss you so much my baby girl and sometimes its hard to breathe when I think about what happened and how I cannot really change anything.  All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and trust that there is something bigger out there and that one day the pain will become easier to bear and somehow all of this will make sense.

Until then, help us to remember to love each other and that a simple act of kindness, even a smile, can really mean the world to someone in need.

Love you forever

Mom

Time

Dear Gabby

Its hard to believe that it has been a week today.

In some ways it feels so much longer with everything that has happened already. 

In other ways it still seems surreal.  Every morning I wake up and realise that I am not dreaming, that you really are no longer inside my tummy and then I feel really sad and I miss you so badly. 

I stare at your picture and remember that just over a week ago I could still feel you moving inside me.  Just over a week ago we still had dreams and plans for our little bundle of joy and now it is all over.

We saw the doctor again today and I was really hoping for answers.  I dont really know what I expecting, but I hoped they would be able to tell me what happened and what caused this so that somehow we could make sense of it all.  Somehow we would be able to understand it all and that someday when we are ready to try again, we would know what to look out for, what do differently. 

Sadly, the doctor couldnt say anthing concrete.  He thought it might have been an infection in the amniotic fluid, but he could not find any evidence of it.  He said that the placenta was perfect and that there was nothing wrong with you (which we already knew!).  The only thing he said is that my cervix could be weak and that next time, we would need to put a stitch in the cervix to prevent an early labour.

I dont know what to make of it, maybe nothing. I dont really even know if they did know the actual cause that it would have even helped anything.  I was thinking about the idea that if he did give us the exact cause and that it was something I did - maybe that would be harder to deal with, maybe I would never be able to forgive myself.

But then again, maybe it was just something that happened and there is no physical reason for it.  I dont know, but it feels like nothing.  It feels like it is just one of those things that we have to deal with, like when you loose your baby teeth.  It happens to everyone.

It shouldn't be like that, it should be a serious problem that they have to figure out.

So many people go through this all the time, you would think that in today's world with all the technlogy they would be able to understand it better and do everything possible to prevent it from happening.

I dont have the answers, I dont know why this happens to so many people all the time and I definetly dont know why this happened to us. 

All I know is that it did happen to us and it is awful and horrible and it is extremely painful to have that little life taken away.

Today I wish all my love and blessings to all the other people out there who have gone through losing a child and my hope is that you will find some comfort in knowing that your little angel is being loved and cared for and surrounded by angels.

I miss you dearly my little one.

Love you forever

Mom

Your Little Garden

Dear Gabby

We wanted to create a special place where we could remember you.  A place where we could visit you and just remember the special little angel that came into our lives.

We were going to put your ashes in a beautiful memorial garden in Fourways.  Then as we talked about it we decided that the best thing we could do was to create a beautiful little garden right at home for you.  That way would could visit you whenever we wanted to and you would always be close to us.  Just a few steps away.

So we picked out a space in the garden, that mom was going to use to plant a vegetable garden but had been putting it off for a while already.  Guess that the space was waiting for you.

So, we went to a little place that makes pots for gardens and everything worked out so perfectly.  It was as if we were being guided by an angel to exactly where we needed to go to get all the pieces for your garden.

We went to the nursery and chose a whole lot of little flowers and tree's that reminded us of you.  Mom, Dad and your big sister Kayla all chose a few flowers that would fit perfectly in the garden. 

On the way home we found some wooden screens to create a sacred space just for you.  Dad had to go back and fetch them because we never had space in the bakkie.

We then went to another garden centre, had some lunch and bought the pieces to make the sign for your garden.  This was Kayla's project and she did such an awesome job.  We also got a beautiful Cross that Kayla chose and some other signs to put up as well.

And so the building of your garden began.

We all worked very hard to create your little garden, especially Dad.  He put down the stone pavers and levelled out the area. We completely miscalculated the number of pavers and Dad had to go the next morning to get some more.

After all the pavers were put down, Kayla then started to plant the little pieces of grass in between the pavers, she did such an awesome job.

Once all the pots and the little bench was in place we started to plant all the little tree's and flowers, we all pitched in and did it together.  It was a real bonding experience for our little family. 

Its amazing how in the time of such pain and tragedy that we have all come together as a family and how this how ordeal has helped us to grow closer together and just focus on our love for your and for each other.

We have left one bit pot open for you, so that when you are finally home we can lay you to rest in your little garden.  We can finally finish your garden and focus on taking care of it, nurturing it and making sure it grows with love.




Your garden is as beautiful as you, and every moment we spend in it - we can connect with you and talk to you and just remember you.  Our love for you, blossoms into our love for each other and my hope is that we can learn to see the world through your eyes, through unconditional love for each other and for life.

Even as I am writing this I am hearing a tiny little voice saying " I am always with you, you dont need a special place".  I think we already know this, I talk to you all the time and I know Dad does as well.  I hope that you can connect with Kayla, because she really needs you, but I think she is a bit scared of talking to you.  This is all so new for her - she has never had to deal with losing someone before.

Please take care of her, and let her know you love her and you care for her every day.


Its a beautiful place to honour you and a sacred place to focus on what is important in our lives - loving each other.

We also got so many flowers from other people which we need to still find place for.  Dad said we should just keep extending the garden all the way up the hill :-)

A big thank-you to everyone for all the beautiful flowers and once we are completely finished we will share the final result with everyone.



We love you so much Gabby and every morning when I see the beautiful garden and all the pretty little flowers I think of you and I think of how much we miss you and love you.

Love you Forever
Mom, Dad and Kayla

Your Story

Dear Gabby

You were born on the 18th September 2012 at 16:35.  You were only 21 weeks old and too young to survive on your own.  You lived only for a few minutes and then you left this world to be with the Angels.

The nurse brought you to us to meet you and say goodbye.


You were so beautiful, your little tiny perfect body lay there wrapped in a white blanket.  It almost looked like you were sleeping and that any minute you would take a deep breath an let out a cry to let us know that you are alive and well.  But you didnt breathe, and you didnt move, you just layed their so peacefully like a beautiful picture forever etched in our minds and in our hearts.

Mom and Dad just stared endlessly at your perfect little body.  Your beautiful little face, your perfect little lips.  You looked just like your Dad.  You had whisps of hair on your tiny little head. You had long little legs and it reminded me of how I felt you moving inside my tummy, must have been those long legs :-)

Your little hands had tiny little finger nails and your little toes had tiny little toe nails.  They were so perfect, so beautiful.

We just held you,kissed you gently and touched your little cheeks and just took in the moment that wished would last forever.  It was almost as if time was paused at that moment so that the image of you could be forever etched in our memory.

Only a few minutes later, we had to say goodbye as the nurse took you away.  I sometimes wish that we held on longer, that we just lay next to you and took more in, I wish we gave your more kisses and more hugs before they took you away.

I really wish that your big sister Kayla could have had that same experience with you.  She is so sad that she couldnt have held you, I am so sad too, I think she would have loved to just hold you in her arms and say goodbye.  But she loves you so much and she knows that you are with her everyday.

Remembering that day now fills me with such mixed emotions.  Alot of people say that you shouldnt see a baby that was no longer alive and that it is traumatic.  I dont think so at all, it was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life and I am so glad that I got to see you, so that from now on I can look back and remember that small moment in time where I met you.

Right now I don't understand why this happened and why you had to leave us so soon, I can only look back to that moment and remember that perfect little angel that we held for a small moment in time and remember how perfect you were and how much we loved you.

I hope that in time we might get answers in both the physical world and the spiritual world and I hope that this tragedy can become a shining light and that we can continue to send out love into the world in your honour.

Love you forever

Mom