Still Seeking

Dear Gabby

We are still having our ups and downs, our ebbs and flows.  I guess like anything else in life, even in nature.  Everything has a pattern or a flow, a high tide and a low tide.  Some things last longer than others.

I am still still feeling a bit lost, like I really dont know what direction I am going in right now.  Life seems to be just a bunch of chaos at the moment.  I started a new job, which is really exciting but at the same time it is really daunting becuase I am really out of my comfort zone and I feel exposed, naked.  After my first week I was thinking that I made a big mistake and that I wasnt ready for all the stress of a new job.  Once I calmed down, I realise that I definelty couldnt have stayed where I was - it was eating my soul, one day at a time and actually my new job is quite exciting. 

I still miss you terribly everyday, we all do.  I know you are around us all the time, but I think the reality sometimes just gets the better of me and I feel really sad. On Friday night when your aunty came over with her kids it was really nice to spend time with them.  When they left I was carrying your cousin to the car and he was sleeping, I felt a wave of sadnes come over me - this could have been you I was carrying.

It is still hard to see other woman who are pregnant and parents with young children.  They seem to be everywhere I look.  They remind me of our loss. The sad thing is that before I fell pregnant I really wasnt sure I was ready to have another baby with life being so hectic and then when we fell pregnant I thought that it was meant to be and I was starting to get really excited about having another little princess in our lives. 

I guess there are things that are beyond our understanding and although we say that it is meant to be and God works in mysterious ways - it doesnt take the pain away.  It does make it easier to deal with. 

And so as we go through the days, some days are easier than others.   So much has happned in our lives this year - it has been a very hard, tough year.  Not all bad, but there is an overall sense that it is time to move past this year.  I dont want to carry the burdens of this year into next year.

My wish right now is find some peace. Not joy or bliss or happiness, just peace.  It is time to make peace with this year and move on to next year with new hope, faith and trust that all is well - it is the only way.

Love You Forever
Mom